Something about stoicism
I debated between putting this on here or on my 'secret' digital diary account where I put journal type entries from my life. But I don't know why I have this vague hope that maybe if someone ends up reading this, it'll spark some train of thought in their mind. Maybe I'll send it to some people myself. Or maybe its just the stoic missionary in me trying to preach.
Half a decade earlier, I was so desperate to get good grades in my IGCSE, that every time I prayed, which I did more of back then, I would end my prayer with the dua that 'Allah karay IGCSE kay sub subjects main A+ aye' [I hope that Allah gives me A+ in all my IGCSE subjects.] That didn't happen. I ended up getting an A in English out of all the subjects to get an A in. I remember crying a little when I heard the result, not realising that my result was literally the best in the city for that time (I think it still is). Regardless, when I entered college to do my FSc, slowly my prayer patterns got less regular. However a certain element stuck with me. I was no longer doing my IGCSEs. I had gone past that. Yet every time I sat to pray and dua I would start it with 'Allah karay IGCSE kay sub subjects main A+ aye'. It had unknowingly become a reflex. It was so bad that I remember I had my exams in less than a week and I was severely underprepared, and my teachers weren't helping my confidence. But when I sat on the prayer mat to pray for some divine intervention to enlighten me the words that escaped my mouth were still: 'Allah karay IGCSE kay sub subjects main A+ aye'.
So you see, the problem was really bad. I had drilled myself into that prayer in the 2-3 years of IGCSE that now it was stuck in my brain as the go-to whenever I started praying. I was painfully aware of the irony of this conundrum. I tried telling myself before praying that I was doing FSc and not IGCSE. The fact that both of them sound the same and kind of rhyme, didn't help my case.
Somehow stumbling, and fumbling I made my way into medical school. Sometimes still having to pause before praying, to make the conscious decision of not making the same prayer that I did back in IGCSE. I think its safe to say that almost by a year and a half or so ago, I had polished and rebranded my 'academic' related dua to being 'Allah pass karday' [Allah help me pass].
Then I discovered Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I read it. It was about a lot of things. And I liked it. The best thing about it was that unlike a not of existentialist or nihilist philosophic books I had read, this one felt way more applicable to daily life. And it is in Meditations that I read an idea, which appealed to me. Marcus Aurelius says that one shouldn't pray and wish for specific things to happen from God, say asking for the welfare of your child, or for the removal of a problem, or for a lot of any resource. Instead what one must ask God for are virtues. The virtue to be steadfast and accepting when something happens to your child, which will eventually happen. Its not in your control. The virtue of being patient and understanding enough to wade through the problem. There are unlimited problems in the world, how many are you going to get riddance from due to your God, and how are you going to face failure without problems. And how are you going to learn to right, if you haven't failed. The virtue of being self-sufficient and grateful instead of wishing for things or more of anything you already have. Man's greed no bounds.
I finished Meditations around the same time Ramadan came. I am not particularly religious. I am not sure what I believe in too. But every year, I try during Ramadan to be a good Muslim and try to understand this religion that so many people around me follow. It might just be the last vestige of shame in me crying out for help. Anyway, I decided among other things to use the principle I've mentioned in the previous paragraphs in my duas after prayers. The first thing I noticed is that my duas considerably shortened. I can list the things I prayed for. But I think that will be too much over-sharing and will give too much of a positivity-guru vibe. Both things I detest much, and both of them I am doing quite a lot of already in this text.
Nevertheless, one of my prayers is that 'Allah make me humble and grateful when I succeed, and make me patient and help me see your wisdom whenever I fail in any task'. It sounds very simple. It doesn't take much innovation. What I hadn't realised is that this prayer was trying to stand in for the mammoth of the beast that the IGCSE prayer was in my mind. You can see where this is going, now.
I had my exam result today. Last night was weird. I Barry Allen-ed my way through the prayer, and the dua too but I stopped when I was about to get up. I realised I hadn't prayed for myself or my exam result. I hadn't asked Allah to help me pass. Or give me A+. Or anything of that nature. I prayed that my friends get what they want and more, but nothing specific for me. I had stuck to my new formula and my formula didn't cater to this special need. Or did it? I thought a lot. And after much contemplation I thought. No. There's no point in asking Him to help me pass, or anything like that. It's not that I don't believe in His power. Or that I believe in destiny, such that everything is already prescribed and I am merely a puppet acting out a script. I didn't say all those lines in prayer simply because they weren't enough. They weren't going to help me in any meaningful way. Whatever happens, happens and whatever will be, will be. I would face whatever life had in store for me. I would need help to face it though. The tools I had are rusty and ill-used. This is where I would ask Him to help me. I would ask Him to give me a little bit of patience and a little bit of gratitude and what not. And it would be gucci. Besides, if duas really could change the tide of events, I wouldn't have gotten that A in IGCSE. The logic doesn't work. I kid. I think.
Now, as I head into the future. The weird theological/philosophical experiment of today being completed in a rather pleasant eventual outcome. I just hope that as I continue trying to do my best and trying to make my way through the world, and as I continue, hopefully being blessed (cue in DJ Khaled 'God is Greatest') that I remember the virtues I take away from all my success and most importantly my failures.
I hope I can always be humble and grateful. Or at least try to be.
